In his name
by Stossle
Summary: Jack reflects on his military career and his role as leader of Torchwood.  Set not too long after Owen joins Torchwood.  One-shot.  Character examination.  Torchwood.  Captain Jack Harkness.


**In his name**

_**Summary: **__Jack reflects on his military career and his role as leader of Torchwood._

_**Timeline:**__ Set not too long after Owen joins Torchwood._

_**Disclaimer:**__ I don't own Torchwood or any of its characters, although I'm starting to feel rather possessive of Jack and Ianto. Please look after Jack in season 4, Russell. He's been through enough!_

* * *

Look I'm not really one for self reflection. I mean, hell, with the life I had so far, the life I will have, on and on forever, self-reflection is kind of dangerous, if not damn near irresponsible. But I've been thinking that perhaps I've become sort of institutionalised. Because I've been in military or quasi military organisations since I was fifteen.

I mean there was that bit before I met the Doctor, after the Time Agency, when I was swanning around, on my own, having a ball. But even then, I would insert myself in whatever military that the age and con would allow.

With the Doctor too. It wasn't the military, but it was the military, because we were at war and he was our commander.

And Torchwood, we don't have uniforms, but it's brothers at arms and orders and violence. All the requisite components.

It's Owen that's made me realise it. Because he doesn't take orders. I mean he might do what I tell him. _If _he thinks it's right. Sort of works it out for himself. And it's not fighting the system or railing against authority, although there is that in him, but it's just that he can't do it if he doesn't think it's right.

I've broken the rules, well more than once, but I've also done many things, many many things, because that's what we did, together at the front. Followed orders because you know you don't have the big picture, know that they, them, up there, know what's best.

Even though now, looking back over my long long life, know, that most of the time they didn't. I was just a cog in the machine grinding away, serving the state.

And now, I am the state. Because there is no one above me. I make the rules. I say what's right. Sometimes I wish I was back in the trenches, doing what I'm told, even if that means blowing someone's brains out because of an accident of geography.

That might sound bad, sort of screwy, but it's comfortable you know. Comfortable to know that someone is directing your life in some purposeful way and knowing that man or woman at your side will do whatever it takes to keep you safe. Your head can shut down in a circumstance like that, it's all about the mission, and however many pleasures you can subject yourself to when the battle's over. For queen and country, regardless of which queen and what country. No search for purpose or meaning or any of that new agey stuff, because that's all provided. It only costs your soul.

Setting the rules is hard, cause it's not always clear. So I've reverted back, to the only command that felt good and productive and purposeful. I look to the Doctor. He's the institution I want to follow. It's his institution I want to have. Sacrifice all to save one, sacrifice one to save many. All these years and my mind is just a mess of orders and violence and doing things even though they didn't sit well. But things sat well with the Doctor. I died for him. I die for him, over and over again. Will die, over and over again. And I know it's for a good cause.

One day he'll come back and see that. He'll see what I've done and he'll fix me, reward me. Full honours to Captain Jack Harkness. If I can just get this right.

* * *

_A little different, but I've been thinking about the military a bit lately and wanted to get a soldier's perspective. Thanks Jack. The funny switch in personal pronouns (I, we, you) in the sixth paragraph is on purpose, not just bad grammar, because Jack is distancing himself from the orders he carried out while at the same time linking himself to the people he carried out the orders with. Please review._


End file.
